i am reading a wonderful book. It was, I believe, Divinely selected by the Cosmic Librarian herself just for me. It has taught me so much. Among other things, it has enabled me to finally forgive the man who has been hacking my computer for the past three years and several operating systems. I really feel free of the albatross of resentment towards him although he is still using my computer/operating system illegally and still taking control.
The title is Life's Companion: Journal Writing As A Spiritual Quest. The author is Christina Baldwin. I love to journal. I journal and read something uplifting, inspirational like this book for around three hours some mornings. I accomplish so much. I set goals, list my intentions and make sure they are pure, build my flagging self-esteem up by listing my achievements, accomplishments and challenges I have overcome, and so on. It saves me a whole lot on therapy which I simply don't have the patience for, although I continue to see a psychiatrist for my bipolar disorder once a month.
This book is full of original, creative and extremely meaningful journaling exercises. I love doing them. Let me tell you about a few I did today and what I learned from them.
The first one called for a timed writing of 20 minutes to list everything you're waiting for. I discovered there's very little for me in the NOW, because I am busy waiting for everything from getting my act together, to signing up for classes, to creating sacred space in my home out of chaos, to go on a writing/spiritual retreat, to see the ocean again, to wash my clothes (I hate doing laundry), to find my insurance card, to live in abundance, to write another novel, to write from my soul, to quit smoking, to ride my bike this Fall, to learn to write in meter, to start doing yoga again, to weigh 115 pounds, to learn source code, to volunteer at something I love, to get involved with Wiki, for my real life to begin.
Why do I act as if I am only in the dress rehearsal stage of my life and that it hasn't officially begun yet? I am sixty years old for crying out loud. I still am working out what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm not wild about growing up.
"Your daily life is nothing but the expression of your spiritual condition."
--Thaddeus Golas, The Lazy Man's Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
After doing this exercise and seeing the length of my list and the breadth from small things like having pretty fingernails to more important things like establishing myself in my career, I believe I should stop waiting for my cue and just jump in anywhere and begin.
What stops me is a lack of spiritual discipline. I don't even like the word.
In an attempt to get at my absolute rebellion and defiance, I did another exercise. You were to write down five things you do with a peaceful, happy attitude. Write down five things you dislike doing. Then ask yourself what makes you happy doing the first list? What makes you unhappy doing the second list?
Surprise! Surprise! I hate repetitious work, time-wasters like cleaning, anything that makes my back hurt, work, anything that keeps me a prisoner trapped in one place (like up against the kitchen sink), and I feel myself tugging at the reins when the task makes me feel downright claustrophobic.
Here's what I learned about spiritual discipling, p. 245:
"Spiritual discipline is a process of claiming our own authority, deciding to train ourselves, to align our lives with purpose. We practice it by developing a new relationship to everything: a relationship based on focus and choice rather than on compliance or rebellion.
"To use discipline successfully, we need to define our goals in relationship to our values, our life purpose, our spiritual imperatives."
"The true beginning of wisdom is the desire for discipline and the care of discipline is love." --The Apocrypha
The author knows me too well. I believe she added this sentence just for me: "We choose the path even if it doesn't offer immediate escape or gratification."
Then I did an exercise about choice making. Obviously I do not make good choices since, like a big yellow cat, I allow myself to be distracted by every shiny object that moves across my line of vision.
Exercise:
What are little choices that influence your day? How do you handle them? What choices do you want to make differently? What choices do you celebrate?
The "little choices" that sabotage my plans for accomplishing anything everyday are my giving in to every Internet shiny object and following it to its source whether it's an article on building a writer's platform, a new book review, checking my e-mail for the tenth time in a day, or hanging out on Facebook writing to people I went to high school with over 30 years ago. Those are the foolish little choices that keep from getting published in magazines, writing and publishing an e-book, writing another novel, writing more articles, bidding on more freelance jobs, becoming an expert in my niche areas of writing and building a platform for my career. I am never going to accomplish my life's purpose of reaching others through my writing at this rate. I must make discipline my friend and stop hating it.
So the next journaling exercise I did was a dialogue with discipline. Here is an example of how it went:
Me: Hello Discipline?
Discipline: Yes, Maryellen Theresa Grady. You don't much like me do you?
Me: Well I haven't for most of my life, but I want to start liking you now because I very much need you in my life
D: And it only took you 60 years to come to that truth?
Me: I'm slow. And I'm compulsive, rebellious and lazy and undisciplined. I live only by what feels good and has my attention this second. But I want to learn to change all that. Can you help me?
D: You can learn to help yourself through me if you work--oh yes, there's that word you hate---to stay mindful, clear, and committed to your goals You must always keep in mind you are not a leaf to be blown about by every chance wind, not if you have a destination to reach.
Me: I have a destination. I have a mission in life and I want to focus on working towards accomplishing it.
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